Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Kenoki the Alienated Entity

About two weeks ago I relived an episode of my life that seems to repeat itself no matter where I am or who I am with.  This type of thing seems to happen at gatherings.  I have always said hello and hi to people when I walk in a room or any place where there are is a large group of people.  I sometimes I might not even say it loud enough or nobody really pays me any attention at all.  Cause most likely I not well liked or nobody really cares to get to know me.  That's fine.  My own family don't want to get to know me and this has been proven.

But how could you handle when your around your lover's family and your defense mechanism kicks in and you feel better when you closed up like a clam.  I at least speak when I'm spoken to but I don't like talking over loud music.  I went to my lover's Aunt's anniversary cookout.  It was a great spread and the hunch punch was flowing, people were eating, everyone having a good time.  Got a couple of hands of spades in.  I enjoyed myself so much I ate and drank until I felt sad.  The party was that kind of good.

However, there was one person that didn't like the fact that I was there and never likes the fact that Im at any of the family gatherings or functions.  My lover's cousin.  She doesn't like the fact that we are together because she feels a loyalty to my lover's ex-boyfriend.  Yes you did read that last sentence correctly.  She doesn't like me because she claims that when I come around I don't greet everyone or don't I say hello.  But before that I was a "broke ass nigga".  My lover recently had a little falling out with his cousin about what she did at the anniversary cookout.  Messy and immature.

She invited my lover's ex-boyfriend to the cookout.  Yep!  I guess that she was suppose to make me angry or feel some type of way because she invited him there.  I honestly didn't feel anything.  I actually laughed at the idea that he was there.  But also I studied the idea as well.  I understood that they knew him.  They were more receptive to him.  They were more comfortable with him than with me, mainly because they know him from the past five years that they were together prior to my black ass.  I'm not at all surprised at this type thing because my own family has treated me the same way. 

I felt alienated and unwanted. Even though I ate as much as I could.  I drank as much as I could.  But no matter how much I consumed I kept feeling it was something that everyone else knew but me.  Something I should know but I can't know.

Alienated Entity

Since the age of five I've always felt like I was
the most unwanted creation to walk the face to the Earth.
My father never wanted to be responsible to me so he left.
My mother never nurtured me cause I guess she felt like
Id never amount to anything in life so she ignored me.
My brother didn't talk to me cause he says I'm a faggot
and the teachers told him he was better than me. 

Went to see my mother after four years of being away from
the city that tore me down countless times after I built myself
back up from the rubble.  To see her was joyous but to see the photographic
decorations she had in the house was evident...to my feelings that
I have no value.  But I am a reminder of what she wanted to forget.
The mistake that she had 33 years ago.
The gift she gave to a man that he didn't appreciate.
The parting gift unwanted he left her she didn't nurture.
An alienated child that nobody wanted to understand left alone
to his own devices. 
Matches, lighters, and fire were his friends.
Conversations with earth worms and Caterpillars was how I spent
my days since I never knew what a friend was.

Now  a days people just look at me.
When I speak they ignore me.  When I speak they look at me for a half a glance and
go back to what they were doing.  If I had some money to spend then I guess
Id be friend they never had.  But since I don't make real money.  I'm not good
enough for a bless you when I sneeze...guess I wipe my hands on my pants leg. 
Family so distant that they pic who they choose to be close to. 
Only look at me in peripheral vision.  Can't you feel the love. 

Doesn't hurt that my family treat me this way. 
Doesn't hurt that they look at me funny when they own kids speak to me.
Doesn't  hurt at all.  But it baffles me  like why the Falcons can't get it right.
No matter how good of a person I am inside and show people I'm still
misunderstood as some kind of negative entity that will hurt.
However,  I'm just an alienated entity that nobody wants know.

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