I was reading The Morality of Promiscuity: Is It Only About Sex? by co-blogger Vaughn Smith and it got me to thinking about my journey and growth of my personal views on relationships and sex. I was just going to quickly comment, but I realized that I had more thoughts I wanted to share than would be appropriate for a comment box.
To Me Sex Is…
To me, sex is a physical act. It’s coming together with another person, or people, to explore and pleasure one another. The act itself really doesn’t mean much more than that. You get together, one (or hopefully all parties) get their enjoyment out of the situation and you move on. I think this was the idea that they were trying to explore about sex during the sexual revolution of the 60’s. To me, sex in and of itself has no deeper significance - though it may have the side effects of children and/or STD’s but that is not the topic of this discussion.
To that end, it really shouldn’t matter who has sex with who. Single, dating, partnered, or married, all people are fair game and as long as it’s consensual, it should be all good. Right?
It’s never just sex...
Sex, in this day and age, isn’t just sex - if it ever was. What we all want - even if we deny it consciously - is to have a connection with other people. We believe sex is the way to that connection because we have forgotten how to really be intimate. Not really forgotten, we are afraid to really be intimate. So sex is the easy way out. A way of connecting without really connecting. We don’t feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings, so we share our bodies but that’s never really enough. And in this technological age, it’s easy for us to connect without really connecting. It’s easy for us to interact without really getting involved.
Most of the people on these chat lines and sex sites - even Facebook - are really looking to have a real connection with another person but either don’t know how to or have been made afraid to do it in any real way. This is probably a reason that some relationships fall apart, because the lack of true intimacy keeps them from growing together. So sex has taken the place of intimacy and has become like a band-aid over a severed limb.
“Hence people are interested in sex because sex is not risky. It is momentary, you don’t get involved. Love is involvement; it is commitment. It is not momentary. Once it takes roots, it can be forever. It can be a lifelong involvement. Love needs intimacy, and only when you are intimate does the other become a mirror. When you meet sexually with a woman or a man, you have not met at all; in fact, you avoided the soul of the other person. You just used the body and escaped, and the other used your body and escaped. You never became intimate enough to reveal each other’s original faces.” - OSHO from Why Is Love So Painful?
What’s Love got to do with it?
Love is essentially what we are all reaching out for. But all we really know are expectations, demands, manipulation and addiction to one another and we call it love. And then when some folks came together and said that sex was only fit for married couples and primarily for the sake of reproduction, we got it all confused.
What does it mean to you to tell someone you love them? What does it mean with they tell you? For most a list of primarily unspoken rules, regulations and expectations come to mind. We have a fantasy about what a love relationship should be and now that I LOVE you, you have to fit my fantasy. If you don’t, I’ll change you and if you won’t change I will take my love away. But if you love me then you will be the person I need you to be to make me happy. Or maybe I’m not worthy of love. And I just need you in my life so I can feel like I am lovable. So I’ll do and go through anything just to have you in my life. Because without you, life isn’t worth living. And without you, I must not be worth loving. And my sex is how I show you my love.
But sex isn’t enough because sex, of itself, has no substance. What we really want from our interactions with others is so much more. I personally think that if we rediscover intimacy and closeness, our relationships with improve, our desire to remain faithful in our relationships would increase, addictive personalities would mellow and our enjoyment from sex would increase.
What’s Their Relationship Got To Do With Me?
I had a conversation with my boyfriend recently. He told me that several people at his company had been found to be moonlighting when they were supposed to be teleworking. When the company found out, they were fired. Why? Because they broke the agreement with that company.
I feel that once a person has entered into a an agreement with another they should honor the word and spirit of that agreement. Often, it seems, that relationship agreements aren’t honored and people look for ways to circumvent that agreement without being caught. Some will “sext”, some will have cam sex, some will have phone sex, some will engage in only oral or mutual masterbation and some will go “all the way” and make excuses the entire time to not be people of their word.
But the question is, what does their relationship agreement have to do with someone who is single? Am I wrong for sexually engaging with someone in a relationship?
There is the perspective that it has nothing to do with you. They are deciding to step out on their significant other and whether you are the seducer or the seducee, you are not bound by the agreement they have with another person. And that is a completely legitimate perspective. You didn’t force them into any kind of sexual situation with you. They had every right and opportunity to say no and it’s their choice. And this is valid and true.
You, first and foremost, have a responsibility to yourself. Every decision you make today will be the foundation for a future outcome. Nothing happens in a vacuum. What you sow you will reap. You are accountable to the God, Spirit, Karma, for the choices you make today. Your first responsibility is to do what is most loving towards yourself and to do what’s most inline with your long term goals and highest good. Participating in the dishonoring of another being would not, in my mind, be a responsible choice. And I believe that spiritually/energetically if you know a person is involved and you engage with them sexually, you are saying to the universe that it’s both okay for you to participate in the dishonoring of another individual so it’s okay for me to be dishonored in a similar way.
People tend to forget that what goes around comes around until they get to a point where they are haunted by their past. Then it sets in, even if just a few moments, that the decisions we make in the moment will affect us at some point in the future. Sometimes that thing we did gets done to us and sometimes the essence of that thing comes into our experience. So it may not happen that the person who slept with another man’s lover will meet a lover that will cheats on him. Perhaps he gets a job where he’s treated with disrespect. Or a longtime friend may be disloyal. The essence of whatever you do, comes back to you.
Is My Destiny Worth It?
Are you willing to give up the fullness of your destiny for these few moments of sex? If your goals in life are compelling enough, you will pay the price to have your best life. If you’re willing to settle for less, either your dreams aren’t compelling enough or you don’t believe you are able (or worthy) to have the life you want.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” Theodore Roosevelt
We really value the things we work for and don’t respect that which comes easy. I think we need to get to the heart of our desire. That is to truly connect and be fully loved, flaws and all, and to have freedom. Freedom isn't about being able to do anything one wants to do. Freedom is developing a consciousness where one's inner state of being isn't dependent on what happens externally. True Freedom is FAITH that one is in the flow of life/Spirit, everything is happening exactly as it should for one's growth, development, expansion, prosperity, and well-being. And this is the key to having life more abundantly. Freedom is the ability to live authentically, creatively and abundantly - expressing the fullness of who God created us to be. Freedom is not being driven by our impulses, as if we have no will of our own, to make decisions that dims the light of our destiny.