When a gay man fitting the “Classic” definition of masculinity seeks a mate what exactly is he looking for? Is he looking for a mate that fits the classical heterosexual definition of femininity, i.e. trying to emulate the established heterosexual model or is he looking to find a mate who is closer to himself; is he more inclined to be attracted to an incontrovertibly masculine man in defiance of that social paradigm?
Perhaps we should pour a cup of coffee or tea whilst reading this essay, or if one is so inclined, a weighty glass of some well-crafted spirits. A handy libation is not a prerequisite for this essay; however it is earnestly encouraged by the author as a means of embellishing its sober content with a tincturement of gentlemanly joy.” Let us all raise our cups and to our lips… CHEERS! That being said let us return again to our reading on the complexities of human sexual attraction…
Because the subject sexual attraction is so very diverse and so germane to the individual characteristics of the parties involved it can only be competently comprehended on a case to case basis, however since we have not time for such lengthy recitals let us refocus and look to the mainstream for our answer. Whatever misgiving’s one might have about popular culture it reflects the summary of sociocultural trends. As a meter of cultural relevance popular culture requires the most basic analytic resources in a far less sophisticated process of evaluation than a case by case study which is why it is both convenient and potentially dangerous as a yard stick for evaluation; notwithstanding it shall be our source of data. If glasses have not been poured or refilled or re-spirited then they certainly must be so attended at this time for we intend to delve even deeper into the murky realm of human sexuality… and such arduous work deserves to be massaged with such libations…
And now refill and resume our reading:
Having interviewed many male-identified men on the subject of their sexual attraction I have come to one conclusion which is not shocking at all; the male-identified personality is attracted to both masculine men and feminine men. He is more often attracted to female-identified men in a manner that resembles traditional heterosexual models and this attraction appears to be in the minority. He is more often attracted to similar male-identified men in a manner that is more aligned with progressive, modern contemporary homosexual and heterosexual models wherein both partners are equals in power (if one is to compare similar contemporary heterosexual and homosexual models) and this attraction appears to be in the majority. But since the entire idea is to capture the views of homosexual men let us not corrupt our study with undocumented metaphorical comparisons to traditional heterosexual norms, let us go to the source and examine how ultimately a masculine gay man will choose his mate! Some will argue that since many male-identified gay men are heavily influenced by heterosexual notions of masculinity and femininity it is impossible to isolate what might be interpreted as years of operant conditioning from a gut sexual instinct! As a concession to this possibility I accept that the purity of sexual selection as it relates to masculine, homosexual men will invariably be corrupted by standardized norms learned through the process of socialization but that is why popular culture is such a powerful agent for identifying the general though superficial volume of public opinion but not in comprehending the complexities of why people feel or act in certain ways. I will leave this body of work to the socio-sexual clinicians of the world… Let me also clarify my use of the term, “Corrupt” which in this context is intended not as a means of implying that a heterosexual model is bad, ethically, morally or otherwise; it is intended to intensify the contrast between what might be called purely gay cultural norms and folkways and traditionally heterosexual ones. Let me also point out that in traditional heterosexual culture masculine men often bond more closely with other masculine men and it is assumed with no sexual overtures... therefore, why would it be any different between two masculine men who are gay?
When the drum-roll ebbs and the velvet curtain has been drawn the evidence appears to strikingly support a singular premise that male-identified gay men are more sexually attracted to other male-identified gay men, or that they are more attracted to masculinity than its opposite; the opposite being femininity in a man. The bigger question is does this revelation imply there is some "Identical-Twin Syndrome" inherent in many masculine gay men that causes them to be attracted to themselves or more accurately to other masculine men who are ultimately the approximation of how they visualize themselves?
Let us all take a deep breath, sip from our cooling cup of coffee or tea and wipe our brow… CHEERS!
This is merely a popular purview of the phenomenon and as I mentioned before, its roots lay in a gay culture that has been nurtured by mainstream heterosexual culture and therefore cannot possibly reflect either the diversity of opinions especially those of male-identified men who prefer and are more attracted to female-identified men for whatever reasons they are so predisposed. Furthermore, the evidence does not explicate why male identified men are attracted to men who are most like themselves. For this one would have to conduct some intensive research uncovering specific clinical studies.
Moving to the opposite side of the coin for an instant, considering masculine men who have a sexual attraction to feminine men; let us if we can, examine this minority condition if only through examples missing from popular culture, contradicting mainstream heterosexual values, out of alignment with mainstream gay values. Such an example might be the television series, “Noah’s Ark”, which portrayed female-identified gay men who had universally captured the sexual attentions of masculine gay men apparently in vast contradiction to what popular gay culture, holds as the norm. Noah’s Arc was conceptually out of sync with mainstream heterosexual traditions even though it merely substituted feminine men for women and it ran contrary to mainstream homosexual culture which we now understand to be dominated by masculine males who seek other masculine men for their mates and dates. This series may have focused on the extant subculture of feminine gay men and the masculine men who are attracted to them as a means of letting the world know there are other dimensions to the gay lifestyle. However, popular heterosexual culture does not understand that most masculine gay men are attracted other masculine men; they classify all gay men as feminine or feed into the belief that there is always a masculine dominant and a feminine submissive acting in roles that mirror but in their minds do not equal heterosexual ones.
One gay man who had previously been married expressed his opinions about his sexual attraction this way,
“Having been married and fathered a child and having left that heterosexual lifestyle now the last thing I want in a partner is what I had before which is a soft, feminine woman, what I want is a masculine man, the exact opposite of what I had before”!
This was a consistent thread in most of my conversations with men who had made the transition from being heterosexual to homosexual and especially men who had been married and who had fathered children. Even if some of these men had adopted a submissive sexual role in bed after their transition they remained, for the most part, classically masculine in deportment and in every other dimension of their personality. Furthermore, masculine gay men who had not adopted heterosexual lifestyles also showed greater sexual attraction to other masculine men suggesting that similarity rather than dissimilarity was the primary dive behind their libido. No studies I have read cover heterosexual men who are attracted to women with masculine physiques and behavior as a suggestion that they might be latent homosexuals. But it would not be scientific to suggest that they might be potentially gay merely because they were attracted to females who possessed significant and pronounced masculine traits.
Libations are suggested, welcomed, encouraged but not enforced, but if so engaged at this time then… CHEERS!
What does all of this mean to the masculine man who is searching for his Kouros, or Osiris? A man should never compromise his libido, his primal sexual instinct no matter what is or is not available to satisfy it! For a great deal of time within the gay community it was considered to be unnatural for a masculine gay man to be attracted to and develop a relationship that was other than purely sexual with another masculine man. Fortunately this misconception has been thoroughly if not totally erased from the gay consciousness though I cannot help but feel as if there is some tincturement of resentment that has arisen from the significant shift in mainstream gay culture from that obsolete mentality which appeared to have given more effeminate gay men such power. The Twenty-First Century model seems to have been overturned in favor of the masculine gay male; ironically the poetic and metaphorical if not ideological “Top” is back on top but ironically with a mate who is also a Top or at least a masculine bottom. As cultural shifts often do, this preternatural evolution will invariably stimulate a revision in the way gay men understand roles they have traditionally attributed to Tops and bottoms.
Those who have not already done so might desire to enliven their tea and coffee with some delightful sprits… Those already spirited please do pour another… CHEERS!
Does the changing sexual attraction of masculine gay men toward themselves mean that feminine gay men finding fewer mating options will pursue a masculine on a conditional basis? Will feminine gay men settle for conditional, temporary relationships with their more masculine idols knowing that there may not be any emotional connexion strong enough to prevent their Kouros from meeting and boding with another masculine man? Knowing they run the imminent risk of being discarded as the more feminine and therefore less desirable option? I do believe this scenario has played out in many situations although it is not generally acknowledged since it is so easy to simply drop one mate and run off with another without any event. The frequency with which this catastrophe occurs is largely because the meter for masculinity is so very subjective. To date no “Machismometer” has been invented to measure the level of a man’s unified masculinity.
There are some basic rules, the rules of love as it may be or not be but nonetheless the rules of civilized sexual interaction. Men who discover they are sexually incompatible need not inflict nor incur lethal blows to each other’s self-esteem! It is ungentlemanly for a masculine gay man to disrespect the emotional and sexual confidences of a man he already knows is more feminine than he can abide simply to accommodate him as an interim partner or piece by misrepresenting his intentions. However if he does make his intentions known, i.e., that his interest is purely sexual and platonic then the ones is on the other man to manage himself to accommodate this situation in a way that will not leave him bitter and unresolved if and when he faces replacement.
This is an opportune time to interpose the suggestion that a mature gay masculine man be fully apprised of what he is looking for to avoid confusion when he interacts with other gay men whom he might consider to be potential mates, he interacts with an understanding of what he considers to be masculine and that he establish a threshold outside of which he will not tread. Because as we all know, sex is a compelling priority that will often ignore rational selection but leaves in its wake the expectation of future sex. Sexual interaction outside of the most functional kind of “Hit it and Quit it” or “Fuck and Duck” mentality will eventually develop emotional ties germane to all human interaction. A gentleman is always conscious of the nature of the associations he develops and manages them with the utmost of responsibility and humanity! This is not just idyllic masturbation, this is real! All it requires is for the more masculine man to have and act upon a basic sense of responsibility and human compassion.
Enter gay marriage, a hopeful alternative to this frenetic sexual juggling. Gay marriage is not… should not be used merely as a means of eliminating our struggle with the endless sexual attraction we have for others, the constant game of comparison between competing masculinities. Marriage is intended to represent our consent that we have found a person who satisfies our search for perfection such that we no longer desire to search. That if we should encounter a more masculine, a more attractive, more intelligent, more fashionable man after we have married our bond which represents our commitment to and understanding of love should not even be threatened, we have already found the love of our life… or at least that is the way chivalry would have it attended to…
So then, it is established! The majority of masculine gay men are attracted to other masculine gay men and that they do have a manly, and a gentlemanly obligation within their pursuit of this ideal to establish their own thresholds for sexual and emotional engagement and to structure their dating with transparency and maturity so as to avoid the messiness of juggling. A man’s sexual attraction is non-negotiable! It must be unequivocally respected! Whether a man understands why he is attracted to this type or that is of no concern to anyone but himself! The gay community which holds the masculine ideal as its target and yet courts the milieu of sometimes ultra-feminine expressionism as if it were operating within a heterosexual matrix must make adjustments to accommodate the realness of this dichotomy. When female-identified men interact within a gay community dominated by gay men who are not attracted to them sexually because they are attracted to other masculine men emotional sparks are destined to ignite a bonfire of the human vanities! Female-identified men may feel as if they are betrayed or as if their existence as viable, potential partners and mates to these more masculine men has been nullified, voided, cancelled! Their access to their ideal has been denied! Likewise, masculine gay men may feel they are inundated in an ocean of opposites with whom they have no sexual attraction whatsoever; that is no attraction to the female-identified gay man. They may feel these men are ever and anon presenting them with entreatments of desirability they cannot honestly fundamentally return. The outcry of many of these male-identified, masculine gay men is that they cannot find a suitable mate who is masculine enough for them. Yet, ironically if and when placed in a room totally comprised of themselves these men often exhibit the outlandishly outrageous capacity to disconnect with one another based on yet another level of masculine identity conflict based on a hierarchical notion of power/dominance between males. Surely that is yet another topic which I have discussed before and so shall refer to that article entitled: “NOTES ON THE NATURE OF LIFE”, (please find the link in the bibliography).
So I sit wondering how to leave my readers… Shall I leave them with the summation of all that I have said or simply say, “More masculine gay men now prefer to engage similar masculine men in relationships”! After all, that is the conclusion of my thesis. I did not go into any great detail with the "Identical-Twin Syndrome" theory leaving this for another article. And for my projection shall I say simply that, “Gay masculine men who are coming to dominate the gay scene in popular culture must work diligently to assert themselves as men in every right both as a foil for obsolete heterosexual stereotypes and for the future and present generations of young black gay men who so desperately need guidance in their struggle to comprehend and achieve their own manhood in these times of social disarray. Yes, indeed, and perhaps also as a closing statement I might remind all of my readers to uplift whatever libation they have been drinking virtually or otherwise and with me say one last, CHEERS!
1. Reported Effects of masculine ideals ON GAY men: an NIH report: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2902177/
2. Sex-Dimorphic Face Shape Preference in Heterosexual and Hojosexual Men and Women: http://link.springer.com/search?query=aaron+glassenberg&search-within=Journal&facet-journal-id=%2210508%22#page-1
3. Definition of the term “Kouros”: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kouros
4. See Also, Fertility Rites at : http://encyclopedia2.thefreedictionary.com/fertility+rites
5. NOTES ON THE NATURE OF LIFE: http://forthebrothas.blogspot.com/2012/10/notes-on-nature-of-life.html
Male Media Mind