Saturday, September 7, 2013

10 Types of Dudes We Have Dated

By Demetria L. Lucas

Earlier this week the Washington Post published a list of "The 10 D.C. Guys We've All Dated." It included "the chill Republican dude" who wears shirts with whales on them, "the organic kale guy" who makes homemade quiche and "the Clarendon guy" who downs shots of Fireball and never misses brunch.

While I'm sure there are chill black Republicans with whale shirts, black guys who enjoy organic greens and those who never miss Sunday brunch, the list read as if it were made for a certain population -- namely the yuppie 20- and 30-something transplants who have taken over the city -- and some black readers just didn't get it or weren't feeling it.

"What a biased list," wrote one commenter, who created her own (hilarious) list of black "types" one may encounter in the nation's capital. "It's sad stories like this [that] overlook the people who have been living in this city for generations. HELLO! We are still here and we read the paper too."

Well, we at The Root heard you loud and clear, and we've created our own, more inclusive list of "The 10 Guys Black Women From Anywhere May Actually Have Dated" -- hopefully only briefly.

1. The God

At 35 he has two degrees, a six-figure income, no kids and a mortgage. And yes, he's straight. On paper, he sounds ideal. How is he single? Because in person he's a nightmare. He's convinced himself that his presence is a present, and he reminds you of that (and his "accomplishments") at every opportunity.

2. The 'Single' Husband

Of course you didn't know he was married, or you never would have given him your number. But he conveniently left out that tidbit of info when he approached at happy hour.

You're on the phone with him one late evening and hear a woman's voice in the background. "Who's that?" you ask.

"Oh, that's just my wife," he says casually, as if he's explaining that the dog was barking. "Is that a problem for you?" he inquires.

You don't understand what type of relationship he and his wife have, but the point is they have one, and you are out. Click.

3. The Conspiracy Theorist

Everything boils down to someone trying to keep a brother, well, down. A fictitious TV heroine dating a white guy? The white man devaluing black love. He gets cut off in traffic? The white man trying to make him late for work. Valentine's Day? Another way the white man gets the black man to spend money to keep a brother broke.

4. The Brother Who Doesn't Really Like Black People

If you published the transcript to any of his rants on what's wrong with black people, it would read like the minutes from a KKK meeting. According to him, the sum of black culture is baby daddies, piss-poor morality, consumerism and fried chicken. In defense of black people you mention jazz music, red-velvet cake and Jesus, who had hair like lamb's wool. You remind this brother that he is actually black. He promptly lists all his nonblack ancestors to distance himself from the race.

5. The Drunk

He doesn't think he has a drinking problem because he consumes top-shelf booze from a crystal tumbler. This is supposed to separate him from the college student drinking mystery punch from a red cup. But it doesn't matter how or what he drinks if he gets frat-boy wasted all the same. With a few pours in his system, this otherwise mild-mannered and emotionally conservative man is prone to instigating a fight at the club or doing his best Drake impression from "Marvin's Room" and calling you to talk about his feelings. Of course, he remembers none of it the next day.

6. Mr. Disappearing Act

He was near perfect, like "The God" type but without the God complex. He shows a steady interest by calling and spending time. He has great conversation. After a few months of dating, you tell him, "I really like you." The next day, he drops off the face of the earth. You call and leave a message. You text. You email. No response.

One day, after months of radio silence, he hits you to say, "Hey, what's up?" as if he just spoke to you yesterday.

7. The Creative

He is filled with the sound of music. It's charming to meet someone who hasn't been sucked dry of artistic passion by the rigors of being an adult. But then you realize he sings All. The. Time. Or he's given to annoying interludes when he can't be bothered to engage with you (or the outside world) because his inner muse is speaking to him. You throw in the towel when you hear the album he's been neglecting you to work on and you realize you hate his music.

8. Mr. (No) Personality

Like the rest of us, he's addicted to social media. You notice this friend of a friend RTed in your Twitter feed or commenting on Facebook updates because Mr. Personality has an endless supply of wit and appropriate snark. You're excited to meet him in person at a housewarming, but when you finally do, he can barely look you in the eye to say hello. He spends most of the evening sitting alone ... on his phone.

9. Mr. Intentional

He means to do the right thing but just has uncommonly bad luck. Every story begins with, "See, what had happened was ... " He's got an excuse for everything, from why he "forgot" his wallet on your first date and why he got "let go" from his job to why he's always -- always! -- late.

10. The Misogynist

He's heterosexual and enjoys sex with women, but he doesn't really like or respect any except his grandmother, who raised him. He's constantly complaining about the shortcomings of all "females" -- who are emotional and deceitful (based on the ex who broke his still-broken heart) -- and describes any woman with an opinion as "bitter" or "angry."

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. Follow her on Twitter.

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