In fact, I questioned them on their reasoning and was called all kinds of names. They failed to see my point of view, and when challenged on their beliefs, they lashed out at me! One argued that it's because it is Kayne West and his life and how he carries himself that makes it detestable. Then I raised a point, "How do you know what Kayne does with his life or what his heart feels? Would it be any better if it were your pastor, father, or someone who was upright (in his eyes) to portray an image of Jesus?" Yes, it’s just an image, and many other similar images were released into the world, way before this picture of Kanye. Why aren’t we banging at the doors and tweeting and commenting on those who created the image of Jesus with this long curly flowing blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin?
There is so much to be considered when you find yourself to be devout, Bible-believing Christian. The Bible mentions studying to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed RIGHTLY dividing the word of TRUTH! To fully understand the Bible, one must really study and gain an understanding of the historical text we use to slay demons, and people we don’t particularly care about (Gays). The word Homosexual wasn't even a word thrown around, in those times. Things were translated from generation to generation. Parts of the Bible were edited out, and I'm sure parts were added in (for control purposes). During the times of the king's reign, there was "my version" of religion that was distributed. Even some of the words used in Hebrew and Greek languages were/are misconstrued and are used inappropriately (Contextually). It's a simple truth that most never really thought to ask. If Adam and Eve were the only and first people on Earth who bore children, with whom did their children "know" to reproduce? Sounds as if there is something that isn't completely being told, like Iyanla says, "I can sniff out a lie."
Fact is, in general, people can't stand to be questioned about something they believe in, especially when it comes to their Jesus and their God. We all want to be right. However, you must begin to study for yourself and gain an understanding for YOURSELF, not because pastor said, not 'cause Big Mama said it, not 'cause Mama said it. There is nothing wrong with challenging it and seeking TRUTH! The Word itself says, "Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall FIND." Let God reveal his truth to you!
Why Do I Feel The Way I Do?
|Robby the devout church boy|
I remember days of being scared to go around my bishop, because I was scared she would be able to "sniff" out or see my dirty ways or that I had been doing some ungodly thing. (Her discernment was impeccable). Yes, I was THE the church boy! Everyone respected me enough not to do certain things around me or even cuss around me....I was pastor. Til this day, I still have people asking me if I'm a pastor or do I sing..lol (I'll get back to that later). I lived in a world where I wasn't connected to the human side of me....the emotions. No one showed me how to relax and let my hair down. No one showed me how to be a regular teenager. I went through those years not living and cherishing the moment; the only moments I can remember and tell you about were of church. Church was my home away from home, my escape from the hurt. It was also the source of the pain and the isolation that I felt. I wanted to be on that spiritual high, consistently, because it allowed me time away from the truth and fact that I was depressed and lonely.
So, what was a church boy to do? I remember reading Kirk Franklin's "Church Boy." I can't find that book to save my life, but that book was dear to me. It captivated me, and gave me a glimpse of what it meant to have fallen short and be used by God, but yet, while doing things that weren't of God. Kirk's story seems to sound a lot like mine. I knew I had gifts and abilities, musically and verbally, but how did Robby fit into this whole scheme?
My Bishops and Me
I was very close to my bishops and loved them dearly. They loved me back. I would often affectionately call them mom and dad. I was even close to my youth pastor (wow, I feel like I need to call Iyanla Fix my life), but when he left the church, things were never the same for me. Having confided to him at the age 15 that I was homosexual was HUGE! Then came my father, then moms would find out later. It was a lot at the time. I didn't want him to leave because he knew and still loved me and didn't treat me any differently. So there was a new youth pastor, another pastor, one I respected, but I wasn't close to as my previous youth pastor. I eventually told him....which led to counseling.
I was well-known in the church. I sang in the choir and often was picked to be put in front of the mic, because I was the strongest in my section (tenor, in case you're wondering, first tenor...lol). I did liturgical dance (no leotards) but Mime (which people are often surprised to hear...lol yes with makeup and all). I used to open and close the church during the week, and I was there on Sundays for all three services. Telling my youth pastor and then the other two ministers,"I'm gay" was tough. I don't remember moms or dad asking me how I felt, though they could have. I know me and dad talked, but it was an out of sight-out of mind sort of thing. I had not acted on it (which was a good thing), but I confessed, and it was the beginning of accepting me and acknowledging that I, Robert Jones, was gay!
I scheduled a meeting with my bishop to have a deliverance service. I thought I could be cured and delivered from this hideous sexual lust that burned like fire in me. I couldn't take anymore. All I could think about was penis! I was a chronic masturbator. I had numerous JC Penny's catalogs stuffed under my bed (and all kinds of other mags). I was in high-drive. I would circle the block, driving up and down 22nd Ave, looking at the men on the street corners, hoping to catch someone sagging or a bulge or a print while I jacked off in pure heat, and I heard a quiet, still voice tell me, "Like a cat in heat." That's how I was. At the mention of some penis, sex, or men, I was turned on and all ears! I was driving around, wasting gas, just to catch a glimpse. I knew I had it bad. And if I had any chance of getting better, given that I thought I was sick with sin, I needed to be delivered. Bishop had done this numerous of times and seen people throwing up in garbage cans, spitting up, convulsions, and others crying out to God and my two bishops casting out demons. People getting healed, set free and delivered!
I have come to realize that God is powerful enough to do the work. I prayed many times and got real with God and I was like, "God, if you don't want this for me, then take it 'way, 'cause I sure as hell don't want the confusion, the uneasiness, the depression and feelings of insufficiency." I wanted more, and this was not it. I needed to feel living reality of God's work in my life and to know that I can survive in this world and be exactly who I am and still love God, even as I love another man. I needed to know that God's love doesn't come with conditions, because if it does THEN WE'RE ALL DOOMED TO HELL! That's not love... and I can't condone the idea that this Bible is supposed to be such a sacred text when there are so many gray areas and manipulated parts used to control people and leave them living in fear. We should live in love, and peace, and prosperity! Love! It is the biggest lesson we need to learn from this great book, love. JUST LOVE!
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