Sunday, March 31, 2013

What's Possible and What's True

It was a frigid February day. Dressed in my Stewie lounge pants and plain white tee I head for the front door of the hospital. I thought about how many times I've taken this walk. It has been many, but this was the first time as an adult and without my mother.It was the strangest thought, but it occurred to me that my mother would have called cold air the hawk. Just a passing thought.I didn't to go certain places and start contemplating unnecessary possibilities. I reached the door.There she was again, in my thoughts, all the things she would say to me to ease my nerves.What was that shone she used to sing me? Had A Lil Monkey, yeah that was the one. I could almost hear the tube in my head. It was among my favorites. I think about singing it to myself now, but it feels a little ridiculous.

I'm here. If feels a lot different without her. Funny how life moves on Passing all the doctors and nurses it occurred to me that they used to be tower figures, now most of them looked my age or younger.Time comes for us all. I began to think of those dreaded possibilities.Just for a moment, the thought came to me that there was at least some possibility I might never wake of from the surgery. It's a remote possibility. I question if have I lived my best possible life. Have I done all the things I've wanted? Of coarse, some things are may be too much to ask for, but I would love to have Oprah money.I guess that's possible, but is truly possible? You can't have 'em all. I think about all things I know to be true. Lets see, I've laughed, loved, and traveled. I have great friends (of witch the best of the best is here with me) and boy have I eaten good at some great places around the world. As good a life as any.

I'm pondering all these things I'm being prepped for surgery. I've had this same surgery a few times but what if this time I don't make it? I was getting bilateral pronominal release of the hamstring I am a lot older. I have high blood pressure and other old man issues. I'm no longer fifteen. I can't bounce back like I used to. The healing process will be a long road. All these conflicting thoughts roaming around in my head. Then I heard a sweet female voice say, "You ready?" It was my mother. At that moment I decided I would choose to what is true rather than what's possible. As a child I never thought about what could go wrong, but as a man I've come to accept the powerlessness. To surrender and prey.

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