Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Different Me

Lounging around in the new sofa chopping it up with the besties I had an interesting thought. All three of us are so different, but it's great to have a different view from my own because boy can I live in my own head at times. One of us is smart, funny, shy, and success driven. He wants nothing more than to make the world a better place. If one were to ask him what he wanted in a relationship his answer would be a sap sweet love story ending in a version of the American dream. The second is a young sassy city boy with nerves of steal and a heart of gold. Never afraid of love nor its challenges. If one were to ask him the same question there would be a Louie bag somewhere in his ending. Then there's me, the ever foolish romantic. For me every time is the last time. Swearing never to make the same mistakes I've made two weeks prior.yet ever doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Love seems to forever slip through my chicken greasy fingers.

Armed with all of my life experience and with some help from my homies I began to ask myself questions about my life and love. I started with that awful first date question "So why are you single?" I always feel trapped by such a dumb question. I mean what do you say? Uggh! I was waiting for you. Umm... no. Sounds a little contrived and forced to say the least. What sort of answer would he be satisfied with anyway? They never want to hear the truth. "I'm sick of being lied to" seems about right and "I'm jaded and bitter" would set a world's record for the shortest first date ever. So wanting a When Harry Met Sally moment you tell him a half truth and say "I'm just waiting for the ONE." Trust me at almost forty years of age it has more to do with me being set in my ways than it does waiting for the one to come along. That's about the time I start rounding the one I'm with into the ONE and the sweetness flows like honey and yet again I dust off and put on those rose colored glasses and I'm off to the races again.

I've learned how to stop this vicious cycle. I started giving out all the negatives up front. Get to know the down side to Gregory. I give him the whole sorted tale front to back and if he stays put then it's on to date two. If he bolts then it all begins again. It's funny how your friends mold and shape you. I'm still me, but now I'm a different me. In the interest of not being hard headed I'll take traits from the homies and find a middle ground. Like the rest of us I tend to drag around all the overweight bags on to life's next journey . All those memories, lies, and the very worst things that happen make us sing miss Badu's bag lady.

How do I stop? How do I focus on the here and now? its hard to admit when I'm wrong, but I guess I start here by forgiving myself. For all the times I lied and said I was ready to love and I knew damn well I wasn't, I'm sorry. And I forgive those who hurt me knowingly or otherwise because to hold on to the pain is to give the past power now. I breathe, forgive, and let go. I'm sure your saying thanks Mr Oprah, but hey what works, works. That's the deal. Face it, no one wants to truly be alone, not even those cats that say they want nothing more than a good time. Sooner or later it all gets old. Looks fade, bellies grow, and old age sets in. And what did all those good times bring you?

Anyhow I get up from the new sofa and thank each of my best friends. They each respond with puzzled faces they reply "why?" I simply say "for being great teachers". Collectively you guys have taught me never to give up on love. And when I find it they will help me face it like a grown ass man.

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